Going Under
by Maedhros
Summary: As Akira's health steadily deteriorates he refuses treatment but others will not stand idle while he slips quietly away. [set after Hikaru’s first oteai game]
1. 1' Under

Title: Going Under  
Author: Maedhros  
Anime: Hikaru no Go  
**Note:** -Spoiler- Takes place after volume 13 or 14 as the characters are going through their transitional phase (between childhood and adolescence). Just to bring things up to date: Touya Kouya collapsed and was taken to the hospital. Akira missed his match with Hikaru for this sole reason -or was it?

Chapter 1: One Foot Under

"Doctor Kobayashi! Doc, DOC!"

The double hinged doors to the hospital's dark room flung open like two floundering arms to reveal a disheveled looking health attendant in his mid twenties gasping for air. "Doc," he swallowed and without hesitation stride pass the various machines and shelves that towered gloomily in the dark, running a hand through his hair in relief as he went. "There you are, I was running up and down this damn place looking for you."

If it wasn't for that impenetrable look of concentration glowing in the dark the young nurse would have called again for attention but instead he waited patiently by the older man's side whose silhouette was sharply contrasted by the fluorescent screen ahead. Finally the wrinkled but nimble fingers gave the flimsy x-ray films one last tap before roughly ripping them down and shuffled them into a thick paper file which, the younger man noted with sympathy, was bursting from the accumulation of old records.

"My Toshio, what's with all this yelling business hm?"

Toshio looked away from the folder modestly and helped himself to a gulp of water from the tap, heaving a great big sigh of satisfaction and weariness. "My charge ran away," he rolled his eyes. "-again. One minute he was squirming about going to the John's, next he's smiling at me from a taxi –and don't grin at me like that." The nurse sourly took note of his mentor's reaction. "Sure, he's charming, all those girls giggling and cooing at our little scene. He knew I am desperate for a girlfriend and now I'm going to be single forever!" He all but wailed the last part. "Why did I get mixed up in this case in the first place?"

"Because when you saw first saw him he was quietly studying Go," the old doctor smiled fondly in remembrance of the child's brilliance. In all his years of doctoring he had never seen anyone quite like this boy, composed and focused, with eyes burning with passion. "It was either him or the other kids and all the other kids were kicking and screaming like hell on earth."

"Yeah, he was very sweet when he looked up and introduced himself, wasn't he? I've never met a five years old with so much manners in front of a pack of med students." Toshio chuckled lightly as his mood lifted. "I guess that's the payback I get for being the one to drug him last week eh? I never seen it coming though, I mean, he's so polite in the past and still is," he amended with a lopsided grin. "After a whole year of not seeing the little squirt for his checkups. Well, but he's not so little anymore huh?"

Dr. Kobayashi fingered the aged parchments in his hands before pulling open a filer and stored it alphabetically under 'T, A'. "He's thirteen now." The doctor locked the cabinet and added teasingly, "but apparently his tricks are never too old on you."

The younger male retorted, exasperated. "How 'bout you try following him around for a change?"

A snort. "And get locked in the bathroom by my own patient?"

"But seriously," Toshio set his cup down on the counter and leaned forward on his elbows as if sharing some great conspiracy, "If it wasn't for his father falling ill this time we would never have kept him here for as long as we did. I can't believe one of his guardians let us go as far as sedating him. Of course, afterward he was glaring at everyone for keeping him from his game or whatever it is that pros do. I swear, even the air felt a few degrees warmer around him. He had some pretty intense eyes when he is mad I tell ya," Toshio pushed away from the countertop and extended his limbs in a cat-like stretch. "By the way, when would we see our favorite runaway again?"

There was a sense of finality to the sound of the cabinet closing.

"I hope never."

"Huh?" The male nurse quickly composed himself, uncertain if he heard correctly. It was a fact there was no way this child could make a recovery without a transplant and the only place to do it was the hospital.

"He won't be coming back anytime soon," the doctor did not turn to meet him. "And do not look forward to the day when he does."

"Say what?" The young health attendant felt a lump in his throat as he watched the old specialist glowed eerily in the fluorescent lights.

"Mister Touya withdrew the consent to retain his son when he himself signed out of the hospital this morning."

Toshio felt all trace of blood and good humor drained from his face. "He can't… what did they do that for? We found a donor and everything! They waited for three years, three long years. I've never saw anyone worked so hard for a match-" He stopped and found himself unable to continue, visualizing the cold hard floor of the morgue, the blood red pattern he had come to memorize when his comforting shoulders were needed for his fellow coworkers. Toshio wrenched his fingers in tight knots. " OhGodOhGodOhGod, this can't be happening, this just can't, this can't…"

Dr. Kobayashi smiled his humorless smile, one he had mastered over the years and hated it. "Ultimately it was his choice. Toshio, you remembered that intensity in the kid's eyes yourself. Look closer, he had lost that."

* * *

"I'm very tired, Ogata-san." Akira's voice came through oddly calm and clear like bells among the harmonious song of the crickets, their melody low and sweet on the cloudless April night. Sitting next to the dark hair boy, Ogata 10-dan watched the lush grass and sturdy pine with mild interest. The moon was a blot of yellow on a blue cloth. 

"Why don't you go back inside and sleep instead of inhaling all my smoke?" The tall blond man took a long drag of his cigarette. "Second hand smoke is bad for you, can't be too cautious about health you know."

"Obviously not since I am still sitting beside you," the younger pro smiled.

Ogata watched his trail of smoke coiling to the heavens. "Meijin is going to say I have a bad influence on you."

Akira ducked and shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Oh no, I believe father's exact words were 'You can learn a lot from Ogata'."

"Oh?" Ogata raised a golden eyebrow. "And I suppose smoking is one of them?"

"I think he was referring to Go."

The older man listened to the words laced with weariness. "Get some sleep," then he offered as he used to many years ago. "You can lean on my shoulder if you want."

In the dim light of the mansion that filtered through the paper screens, Akira's eyes widened and he felt heat gathered on his cheek like an electric stove. "Ah, thank you for the offer but I think I'll go inside when I need to."

Ogata let out a laugh. "Too old for this now?"

"No-, I-, it's just that I-"

"It's alright, I understand. Thirteen istoo old for these kinds of stuff." Ogata held up both his hands to show his withdraw. "But it seemed like yesterday I was giving out free piggyback rides, I guessed Meijin never did spend much time-"

"It has nothing to do with my father," Akira replied absently, his usual sharp instincts made rusty by drowsiness. Then it occurred to him a second later the older man was referring to his premature return from the hospital.

Ogata peered over the wire rim of his glasses, watching expectedly at the younger boy who stood up in a slight defensive manner. "Then what is it Akira?"

Akira pressed his lips into a fine thin line and instantly Ogata knew he wasn't going to get his answer.

Flicking off the glowing end of his cigarette, he watched the ashes danced in the wind before dispersing. "Never mind that, just go to sleep, you are hardly awake to hear me lecture about health and make a hypocrite of myself."

Hesitantly Akira bowed and headed for the door.

"And Akira," the foot steps stopped. "I wouldn't go in if I were you. They are waiting for you inside."

Akira blinked at him in surprise.

"Your father's study group is going to ambush you with interrogation. I'm merely warning you in advance."

A small 'oh' was all Akira managed.

Ogata patted on his own suit clad shoulder then on the spot next to him. "There's room for one more."

* * *

**Author's note:** First of all, thank you for reading! Feel free to tell me if anything is off or interesting. I'm still trying to harness the characters and timeline (sheepish I haven't read volume 13 or 14 yet but I've read bits and pieces before and after that, so this was written based on the timeline posted by the wonderful Toriyama). I typed up the chapter with Akira and Hikaru being thirteen/fourteen in mind, therefore this is a rather grey area between their more carefree younger self and their… well, less carefree older selves. Just a word of forewarning, I have a tendency to cook up stories from the middle and while that's wonderful to know it's going places, I'm still scratching my head over how to write the more recent chapters, like the next one. My apologies in advance for any turtle-express (slow) updates. PS- does anyone know how to double space on ff net? I've tried and failed miserably. :P 

I would be delighted to hear from you and your wonderful muses. -smile-


	2. Morning Taboos

**Chapter 2: **Morning Taboos

Akira felt the world fell from beneath him as he tightened his white knuckled grip on the sink. "This is," his eyes closed and mouth slightly parted he muttered shakily. "Just… a phrase." He made a point to ignore the bead of sweat trailing down his flushed cheeks.

Even if Akira had never timed the intervals of which these 'weaknesses' occurred, he knew they were increasing in length and frequency, certainly this morning had been no exception. Cursing lightly under his breath he watched his breathing fogged up the mirror and through the vapor two blood shot eyes stared back at him. Grimly he studied the sullen figure who looked every bit sleep deprived but he knew the truth was far from it as he had been dozing off a lot recently. Just last week Ashiwara had commented onthe dark haired boy's unusual sleeping habbits but Akira had just smiled and assured him it was only due to the upcoming exams in June.

"What… do you think you are staring at?" His voice hoarse to the point it was hard to recognize as his own. "Haven't you stared enough?"

Then without warning he grimaced and pitched sideways. Out of reflex more than anything one hand let go of its grip on the basin and clutched a mass of dark strands as he slammed bodily into the tiled wall. _Thud._ Dark spot danced on the edge of his vision but that was the least of his worries as his other hand hastily felt the back of his head for any telltale warm fluid_. Just sweat_, Akira let loose a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. _Not blood._ His lips thinned into a line as he recalled the old doctor's warning.

"_I can understand why you wouldn't take that ten percent chance but at the very least promise me this -if any part of you starts bleeding profusely, come back right away," the wrinkled face looked sympathetic at the non-committal boy. "That'llbe thelast straw, I'm sure you know what goes after without treatment." He leaned forward. "We only get to live once Akira."_

Exhausted, he limply rolled his head to rest against the door and froze at an unwarranted vibration over the dull roar in his ear._ Footsteps! _He barely hurled himself away before the door knob rattled.

"Akira? Akira? Is that you in there?"

_Gods, I need more time! Give me a minute, no, half a minute, even fifteen seconds should be sufficient enough…_

There were rare times when Touya Akira gets flustered and now, he hurriedly reasoned, had to be one of them. Forcing his legs to heave himself towards the toilet, he fumbled with his disobedient hands before leaning his weight on the lever, the swirling noses echoed soundly in the spacious bathroom. To his relief his inquisitor behind the locked door had the decency to stop the rattling but by now at least two other voices had joined the first in their muffled dialogues. "…heard… noise…" "…think it's him?"

"Akira?" One voice, which Akira recognized as Ashiwara's, rose above the rest.

"Yes, it's me in here!" Akira attempted a shaky laugh and turned on the tap to tune out the unease in his voice. Barbarically he thrust his hands into the cold jet stream and heartened as he felt his weariness drained away quickly as it usually did. _It's stopping, _he sighed and caught his troubled face in the mirror, lines of worry on his quickly paling face, his flush slowly giving way to snow-white complexion. _But for how long?_

With his eyes fixed on his waning reflection he didn't like what he saw –dark hair losing its usual luster, cheekbones becoming more pronounced, and worst of all, his eyes were clouding over. _Suspension really is the worst state to stay_, he fingered his reflection gingerly. For five years he had watched the transition, with each day's passing he lost a piece of himself and lately, he had been spirally down. _Surrea_l, Akira let loose a strangled noise from the back of his throat as he bleakly complemented the possibility of a day when he would decay to the point where he could no longer pick up a go stone.

_Not acceptable._ He closed his eyes.

Gradually the image of is father's knowing gaze surfaced to mind. But his mother wouldn't have any of it, the fear and grief that were painted on Akiko's face still stood fresh on his mind as if from yesterday. In all honestly, he never meant to the cause of so much sadness but it also couldn't be helped as he exited the dreaded white building, having witnessed Ashiwara wept and Ogata lit his first cigarette.

Akira recalled hesitantly approached the blond young man in the bright lit hospital hallways after Ogata had gotten news of Akira's growing refusal to treatment. _"I don't suppose you have anything tosayabout my health," he drawled and took a long drag from his cancer stick. "So I guess this make us even."_

Really he didn't want any of this to happen and probably would have remained submissive to their poking and probing did he not believe what laid beyond was not a cure but rot and decay.

And what's more,he was tired, so very tired that he just wanted to fall... and keep on falling until he could fall no more. He could see it in his eyes, sea green hungry with anticipation.

"Is everything alright?" came Ashiwara's muffled concern. Akira twistedaround at the sound, suddenly the possibility of the bathroom door barging open seemed very real and frightening.

Schooling himself to ignore his discomforts, he stepped back from the door and called loudly as he fumbled with the lock, "Yes of course, I just needed to use the bathroom…"

His sentence trailed off when Akira found himself facing Ashiwara. _But I could have sworn I heard voices_, Akira peered down the empty hallway. _Maybe I'm just being paranoid_, he turned back to his lone audience.

Theoretically, in a conceptual kind of way, Akira could understand why he stared, after all it must be awkward to find someone coming out of the bathroom out of breath and clothing disheveled. From the corresponding red on Ashiwara's cheek it was clear the older man knew he had interrupted something, but just what Akira could not be sure.

"I'm done with the bathroom, do you need to go in, Ashiwara-san?" asked Akira a little too breathlessly.

"Ah… yes," Ashiwara embarrassedly poked his head into the bathroom behind Akira. "I just remembered I left my toothbrush in there."

_Lie._ Akira took in the taller man's uncomfortable stance with a mental frown but refused to look affronted by his obvious inspection. He knew they meant well.

Choosing to ignore the lengthy silence that followed, he offered an apology. "Sorry I took so long," Akira felt the need to continue, now more composed and straight faced. "My business took longer than I thought."

"Business?" Poor Ashiwara looked confused and flustered.

"What anyone would do in a bathroom, Ashiwara-san." As if the older man was complementing whether to believe him Akira add more to account for his blush which if it wasn't there before it certainly was now. "What I meant was," he mumbled in a hurry. "What teenage boys may do in bathrooms."

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-" By now the red that had taken over Ashiwara's face seemed permanent as Akira inwardly congratulated himself. "Excuse me." When his friend retreated hastily into the bathroom, Akira scanned the deserted hallways. Brows furrowing, It just struck Akira a little odd no one else was present by this time of the day and just as he was about to turn and stride away from the scene someone with a sizable hand ruffled his hair roughly.

"Morning Akira."

He twisted around to face Ogata who was dressed and refreshed, bearing no trace of weariness from last night's conversation. What stopped Akira though was that the supposedly good-natured gesture or words did not reach his eyes.

"Good morning Ogata-san," he said as calmly and politely as possible which was hard considering he could feel those cool and steel gaze drilling into him.

"Had a good night sleep?" asked Ogata, incisive eyes never leaving his face.

"Oh yes, very well. I've meant to thank you for last night."

"That's good to know." _Something is off..._ "In this case you wouldn't mind doing me a small favour would you?"

"A favour?" the younger boy whispered mostly to himself, then exclaimed when he was roughly grabbed by the elbow. "Ogata-san!"

Akira barely had time to protest before Ogata smoothly and compellingly led him two doors down where his mother was making a traditional breakfast for the study group that had stayed over night. He felt a prickling sensation ran through him when he caught Ogata and his mother shared a brief meaningful glance but had no time to dwell on it as two hands abruptly found their way to his shoulders and pushed. Next thing he knew he was sitting on the wooden floor with the foot high table in front.

"Mother? What's going on?" _Why is she avoiding my eyes?_ On the verge of panic he scanned the empty place mats surrounding the table, no one else had arrived yet except the three of them. Pushing his hands from beneath him Akira quickly made to rise only to be pushed down again by the strong pair of arms.

"No, don't go anywhere," said Ogata firmly. "This is nothing that shouldn't be done," his hands reached behind him for something Akira could not see. "Come, drink this."

"What are you- hmph!"

Without warning, before he could blink, a tea cup manifested and grew in size until finally a clink signified the cup had collided with his teeth. Suddenly, before Akira realized it, his head was tilted skyward and a thick oily substance ran down his throat, some overflowed down his face, onto his uniform.

"Let g-" Akira caught Ogata's solemn expression before he was promptly forced onto his back, muffling any sound of confusion and horror on Akira's part. If it wasn't for the blond man's hand darting out to cushion Akira's head he would have suffered a serious concussionbut this did not stop the forceful administration.

Gasping, Akira felt like he was drowning as the glutinous liquid was poured into him, clogging and suffocating his burning lungs. He couldn't breath, not at all.

Out of reflex his body gagged and sputtered but the flow did not give the least bit until what seemed like an eternity later, he threw his head sideways so the remains of that invasive substance poured over his once again flushed cheeks.

Panting exhaustedly and dazedly, the dark haired boy just laid his head on the wood floor, the earlier dizzying spell returning full blast. The painful throb at his temple was only lenient enough for him toregister Ogata's accelerated breathing.

"That's your medicine," His long time guardian and friendcame out winded but was in much better state compared to Akira who lay curled beneath him. "If you are going to keep on living it's about damn time you take some."

_He was the one who warned me so I could get away from the others..._Akira couldn't form the words. He felt sick and it had nothing to do with his health_. I thought he understood and would not interfere. I honestly thought he was on my side_, _I-_- His train of thought was running in loops until he took a sharp, painfulintake of breath. _If you are gone then who can I trust?_

Then for the first time, as if woken from a dream, he noticed the older man's weight on top and over Ogata's shoulders he saw his mother had moved from the counter to watch the spectacle but not coming to his aid. He felt his insides froze up and wished he never left the bathroom in the first place.

"I…" Akira tried his voice and found it shaky, betraying the maddening ache in his chest. "I thought I told you I will not take it." His insides were screaming so loud he thought he would go deaf despite the obvious silence.

He did not recall feeling his shoulders quiver but seeing them reflected on his mentor's glasses he supposed they did. But he didn't care, his world zoomed out until hatred, betrayal, and hurt were the only ingredients to form two lead weight words.

"You knew," he accused thickly.

"Yes, yes I do" said Ogata, every bit as unhappy as Akira, even angry. "And you've made that very clear in throwing your life away like garbage –LOOK AT ME!" He growled and only continued when Akira reluctantly complied. "You drove me to do this. Drove me! If you are looking for someone to blame then you look at me," Ogata's heated breath was on the dark haired boy's cheeks and his hand that been supporting Akira's head slid from under him, joining the other hand in seizing Akira's shoulders. "Now Get up, we are getting you back to the hospital."

Unable to wrench his arm from the progressively vice-like grip, he refused to budge his dead weight. Through his curtain of dark hair, his eyes were raging a storm. In a clipped voice he gave a croak. "No."

"Don't be a fool Akira," Ogata's grip was getting tighter and finally he gave a bitter bark of laughter before gripping the younger pros's shirt front instead and grinded. "I'm not as lenient as Ashiwara or your father, don't force me to strap you on the operation table before you drop dead, you hear me? Now on your feet!"

Up till now Akiko had stayed carefully out of the commotionand watched their family friend hauled her son from the floor. Behind her she knew several of her husband's studies were also watching and like her, they were reluctant to comment or interrupted anything. But she couldn't hold back tears when Akira turned to her, eyes pleading her. "Mother you-" she sobbed softly as she watched Ogata silenced her son with the reminisce of the medicine.

After another pout of coughing and spluttering, Akira twisted out of the older man's grip, scurried a good few feet distance between them. He glared for what he knew to be the first time at his long time friend and confidence, green eyes narrowed into slits. "You stay away from me," he ordered with venom.

"Please Akira," His mother pleaded from the side, "He's only trying to help you."

"Help me?" His narrowed eyes were a swirl of emotion, first incredulous but eventually gave way to hurt. The lack of air from his ragged breathing invited a light buzzing in his ear. "If you truly want to help me then _please_" Akira took a step back as if to spring at his spectators or sprint away, even he didn't know. "Let me go knowing that I have people who I can trust." his voice dropped off in a low command.

"Let me die."

Someone screamed.

He didn't know when he blanked out but he must have for he had no recollection of crashing into the breakfast table with all around him bowls and cups in disarray. Distantly he heard the room sprang into action but all he could focused on was that his cheek stung like they were torched on fire. Like a looming giant Ogata towered over him, his hand still raised and posed, ready to let fall again.

"Don't ever, _ever _say that again."

* * *

**Author's note:** kayue, inu-youkai 911, this chapter is for you! Thank you for your wonderful reviews which karate kicked my muse awake despite my reluctance, lol. 

This chapter is quite a jump in tone fromthe last and I apologize if the jump is disorienting. Hopefully I can bridge the difference in next chapter. Originally this chapter was intended include more (3/4 more) but I was afraid this would take too long to post and also... I'm lazy. Out of curiosity, would you prefer longer chapters or faster (not that my updates are ever fast) updates? Stay in tune, more characters will be enslaved… I mean borrowed for this chaos as we have barely started.


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